6.25.2009
In 22.5 hours I will be on a plane headed for Mississippi where I will (hopefully) find relief from my current life that feels like it's suffocating me every day. Also, I get to reunite with 2 friends I don't get to see nearly often enough. I saw Skye last summer, but Jonathan, I haven't seen in SIX years, I believe. I'm so excited and SO ready to be on that plane!!
6.20.2009
raindrops
Personally, I am one for sunshine. But as was proven to me again last night, there is truly no better way to fall asleep than with the window open, listening to the rain pour. Thunder and lightning helps, too. For whatever reason, thunderstorms make me feel calm in the comfort of my own bed.
Welllll, I guess being wrapped up in a man's arms at the same time would be the only thing better. But I take what I can get ;-)
Welllll, I guess being wrapped up in a man's arms at the same time would be the only thing better. But I take what I can get ;-)
6.19.2009
home away from home
Only 6 more days till I'm in Mississippi, enjoying the heat, the time away from home, and most importantly, friends that actually care that I'll be around!
It's more than anything Cleveland's been doing for me lately.
It's more than anything Cleveland's been doing for me lately.
I'll take that wake up call any day
I've spent the last 2 weeks trying to get ahold of someone about the job at Key. After a few unsuccessful attempts, this morning I was (gratefully) awakened by a phone call from George somebody-or-other; he was interested in my app...and the branch manager who was supposed to be the one calling me was apparently confused on how far into the screening process I've already gotten, and he said he would call her right away and give her his personal recommendation to go ahead and set up an interview with me.
YAY!!
YAY!!
6.15.2009
Here's hoping
I randomly sent a text to my friend, Becky, today. She's now looking for a place to live since she has recently broken up with her boyfriend with whom she shared an apartment.
I've often thrown around the idea of taking in a roommate, but I never knew anyone who would fit the "role" quite right... But Becky would be a GREAT roommate, and so I offered. I mentioned to her I'm one person, living in a 2 bedroom apartment and I would LOVE for her to come here! She said she would definitely keep it in mind. I think having a roommate would be awesome (I've never had one!), and she's the perfect girl to fill the position.
I know she's got a couple other options, but it would be SO great if she took me up on this. Here's hoping... *fingers crossed*
I've often thrown around the idea of taking in a roommate, but I never knew anyone who would fit the "role" quite right... But Becky would be a GREAT roommate, and so I offered. I mentioned to her I'm one person, living in a 2 bedroom apartment and I would LOVE for her to come here! She said she would definitely keep it in mind. I think having a roommate would be awesome (I've never had one!), and she's the perfect girl to fill the position.
I know she's got a couple other options, but it would be SO great if she took me up on this. Here's hoping... *fingers crossed*
6.10.2009
daddy dearest
Tonight I watched True Life: I'm Looking for My Father and it brought to the forefront what I've been trying so hard to keep in the way back of mind. Let me explain...
Let me put it this way. I'm halfway through my 22nd year--though I certainly don't feel it--and everyone reading this blog knows as much about my father as I do. I know nothing... Don't feel bad for me, though. This has never been a sore subject for me. You know, everytime a "fathers" convo starts up, there's the inevitable question about mine. I hate telling people that I don't know my father, not because it hurts me to share that information, but because I know I'm going to spend the next 5 minutes assuring them that my feelings are in no way hurt and I'm not the slightest bit upset by the topic of conversation. I cannot stress enough that the fact that my father has been absent from my life does not upset me to discuss.
Of course, I'm not saying it's always easy. Up until I was 4, I never gave it much thought. The other kids had daddies and I didn't, and this didn't strike me as wrong. But somewhere around the age of 4, my best friend Skye and I were looking through an old photo album, and in it was a picture of a man I had never seen before. Skye mentioned, hey maybe that's him? Being 4 years old, I had no problem walking right up to my mom and saying "hey Skye and I were wondering if that's my dad..." Now, although my earliest experiences have all but completely faded from my memory, what my mom said next has never left me.
She said, that's none of your business, we don't talk about that.
Doesn't that sound horrible? Yes, it does. But let me say for the record that my mom is incredible and I love her unconditionally; she is not nearly as awful as that statement. But my mom and I have also come a long way in the past 20 years. I think now that she respects me as an adult, that is not something she would dare say to me again.
Which brings me to the present. Ever since that tender age of 4, I have dreamt of the day that I would ask about my father. To my surprise, there has never been a situation in which the topic came up naturally. In high school, I promised myself that I would ask her after graduating. As I noted in my previous post, that was 4 years ago, and here I sit, no wiser than when I was 4.
Though my mom has spent my entire lifetime proving to me that she loves me unconditionally, too, I'm scared shitless of having this conversation with her. I'm afraid she'll be angry, I'm afraid it will hurt her, and I'm terrified that she won't want to tell me the truth. I will have to make sure she knows that the only way she could hurt me is by not telling me the honest-to-God, naked truth. I don't care what the truth is, as long as I get the truth. I have to be prepared for whatever her response will be. Another thing that scares me so: if she would refuse to give me the answers I need, my relationship with her would be forever changed.
After watching True Life tonight, I found myself crying into a pillow as the realization set in that now is the time I have to do what I've spent the last 18 years preparing myself for. I have to ask her. I have to know. No one deserves to know about him more than I do. And for the record, I do not feel the need to meet him, nor do I want to. Save a few exceptions, I think I'm pretty well-adjusted and I've done the best I could at growing up with no male influence. I feel no desire to bring him in now. I just need to KNOW. I need to know his name, what he looks like, why I don't know him, and most importantly, does he know I exist?
My entire life, this has been something that comes and goes as a passing thought. The thought never lingers for long, and quite some time usually passes before I think of it again. But as I get older, I find myself thinking about it more and more often, and as of late, it's come up a lot. It's time. In fact, I'm setting myself a deadline.
Sunday morning... If I can make it till then.
Let me put it this way. I'm halfway through my 22nd year--though I certainly don't feel it--and everyone reading this blog knows as much about my father as I do. I know nothing... Don't feel bad for me, though. This has never been a sore subject for me. You know, everytime a "fathers" convo starts up, there's the inevitable question about mine. I hate telling people that I don't know my father, not because it hurts me to share that information, but because I know I'm going to spend the next 5 minutes assuring them that my feelings are in no way hurt and I'm not the slightest bit upset by the topic of conversation. I cannot stress enough that the fact that my father has been absent from my life does not upset me to discuss.
Of course, I'm not saying it's always easy. Up until I was 4, I never gave it much thought. The other kids had daddies and I didn't, and this didn't strike me as wrong. But somewhere around the age of 4, my best friend Skye and I were looking through an old photo album, and in it was a picture of a man I had never seen before. Skye mentioned, hey maybe that's him? Being 4 years old, I had no problem walking right up to my mom and saying "hey Skye and I were wondering if that's my dad..." Now, although my earliest experiences have all but completely faded from my memory, what my mom said next has never left me.
She said, that's none of your business, we don't talk about that.
Doesn't that sound horrible? Yes, it does. But let me say for the record that my mom is incredible and I love her unconditionally; she is not nearly as awful as that statement. But my mom and I have also come a long way in the past 20 years. I think now that she respects me as an adult, that is not something she would dare say to me again.
Which brings me to the present. Ever since that tender age of 4, I have dreamt of the day that I would ask about my father. To my surprise, there has never been a situation in which the topic came up naturally. In high school, I promised myself that I would ask her after graduating. As I noted in my previous post, that was 4 years ago, and here I sit, no wiser than when I was 4.
Though my mom has spent my entire lifetime proving to me that she loves me unconditionally, too, I'm scared shitless of having this conversation with her. I'm afraid she'll be angry, I'm afraid it will hurt her, and I'm terrified that she won't want to tell me the truth. I will have to make sure she knows that the only way she could hurt me is by not telling me the honest-to-God, naked truth. I don't care what the truth is, as long as I get the truth. I have to be prepared for whatever her response will be. Another thing that scares me so: if she would refuse to give me the answers I need, my relationship with her would be forever changed.
After watching True Life tonight, I found myself crying into a pillow as the realization set in that now is the time I have to do what I've spent the last 18 years preparing myself for. I have to ask her. I have to know. No one deserves to know about him more than I do. And for the record, I do not feel the need to meet him, nor do I want to. Save a few exceptions, I think I'm pretty well-adjusted and I've done the best I could at growing up with no male influence. I feel no desire to bring him in now. I just need to KNOW. I need to know his name, what he looks like, why I don't know him, and most importantly, does he know I exist?
My entire life, this has been something that comes and goes as a passing thought. The thought never lingers for long, and quite some time usually passes before I think of it again. But as I get older, I find myself thinking about it more and more often, and as of late, it's come up a lot. It's time. In fact, I'm setting myself a deadline.
Sunday morning... If I can make it till then.
6.05.2009
4 years
Today is June 5, 2009. I can't believe I graduate high school 4 years ago, today. I know maybe that sounds like nothing. But when you're young, you never think you'll graduate high school, become a grown up. For some reason, when I woke up this morning, my first though was, I graduated high school 4 years ago. And for some reason, that realization makes me feel old.
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