I was so eager to start this blog. Wrote two entries, abandoned it for a month. Problem is, I so badly want to write but usually feel as though I have nothing to say.
No, not nothing. I just don't always know how to convey the chaotic thoughts I possess. So here goes nothing.
I'm so busy. I work and I go to school. Both full-time. I'm usually tired. I lack motivation to do a lot of the things I want to do. I'm lonely, too. It's been about a year and a half since I had a "relationship"... Even longer since I was in one I gave a shit about. Maybe that isn't such a long time, but now that I'm really ready to be with somebody (I mean, really be with someone), there's no one around. There's no one here who wants to be with me, too.
On that note. Three months ago (though I could swear it was longer) I confessed to my best friend my feelings for him. I told a guy, who has been an incredible friend to me for five years and counting, that the feelings I once tried to ignore were in fact very real, very sincere feelings. I risked losing one of the best friends I have ever had the privilege of knowing by telling him (I'll call him, "B") that I was willing and ready to put our friendship to the ultimate test. I wanted to be his and I wanted him to be mine.
This tale ends as do almost all others like it... "Our friendship is too great; I couldn't risk losing you as a friend... We're better this way."
Worst part was, I felt almost 100-percent confident going in that B felt the same way I did and would return my proclamation with one of his own. I ignored the tiny percent of a chance that maybe we didn't want the same thing. And that tiny percent is what destroyed me.
It's been three long months and I feel the progress I've made is minimal. Every day, I struggle to find a balance. A way to love him (in the way that I always have and will) without falling for him, too. I've found that I do best when I don't see him for a brief period of time (out of sight, out of mind). My heart stops aching and I actually can look at other guys and imagine them as prospects. I start to feel as though there is love after B. This "hiatus" never lasts long, as we work together, have the same very close circle of friends, and constantly run into each other in cyberspace. And that very next time I have to see him again...I'm right back to square one.
Case in point: Two weeks ago, we slept together. Valentine's Day, no less.
Intense and hard. I understand *exactly* how you feel. I am now dating my 'B' - it took a lot of guts for both of us to cross that line... and MANY years. We've been close for 15 years now... You can try to put those walls up, but ultimatly its going to be you crying in the end unless he realizes how wonderful of a person you are and 'goes there' But please be careful, having a physical repationship without the rest of it just sets you up for a big heartbreak in the end.
ReplyDeletebeen there done that, bought the tee shirt.
Thanks for stopping my my blog - and I started following you. (yeesh, that sure sounds like stalking! lol)
In the infamous words of Kit Veluuca (pretty woman) - TAKE CARE OF YOU!
:)
Wow, that's a tough situation... esp. when you mix the physical in.
ReplyDeleteThere must be 'some' kind of feelings if V-day was a 'hit'.
Lay low and do your own thing... let him develop his own feelings... esp. when he sees you are strong and into other things as well as waiting for him.
take it from Chele... Do your own thing girl!!
thank you ladies :-) sometimes it helps to hear the things you already know, but coming from someone else... I definitely never intended to sleep with him (or anyone who isn't a boyfriend, for that matter) and don't plan on it happening again without a committment from him. It was just one of those things that happened and luckily neither of us felt weird about it the next day.
ReplyDeletethanks again...always nice to know someone is 'listening'...
life is ...complicated, as you know. what works for most people doesn't mean its for you. find your own way...jc...ps. co sox
ReplyDelete