first one ever

I had my very first car accident today. Not my fault. I still get anxious thinking about it, so I'll blog about it when the thought of it stops giving me a stroke.

P.S. I was, very fortunately, not physically hurt. "Lady" is a little sick, though :-(

cure for the common woes

I found (or re-discovered) another cure for the blues.

Treadmill!

When you're feeling especially mope-y about whatever (boys, friends, work...), hop on that treadmill and just let it all out. Let that machine be your punching bag, so to speak, and before you know it, you're a mile and 100 calories down, and you just feel better.

Try it!

the grass is green again

Damn. Today I just feel... good. I can't really explain the feeling. I'm just in this general good mood, like maybe things aren't really so hopeless. Today was a very "can do" day. If I can keep this up, I'll be golden.

Today, I even thought, this is his loss.

Jordan

I've always known that snooping is bad. It's morally wrong and it's a terrible invasion of privacy. And to boot, snooping has never made anyone feel better. We're only looking to find something that we don't really want to find at all. Then, when/if we do find it, there's no talking to anyone about it because then we have to admit that we snooped. There is no "up" side to this scenario. If it so happens that you don't find the disappointment you initially set out to find, you simply feel as though it's still out there; you were just unsuccessful in locating it.

I snooped today. I know it's horrible and I'm completely ashamed. My blog is the only medium I have to confess this where I'm hoping my readers won't judge me too harshly. I feel bad about it, but not as bad as I feel about what I found.

B got a new phone, a BlackBerry. He was showing it off today at work, and I asked to play around with it. While scrolling through the features, I happened upon the Messages section. I was only there for a second, and as I was backing out of it, I saw a message to/from this girl that I've met once or twice--a girl he works with at his other job. This is the part where I should have known better; the part where I should have known that what laid beyond the click of the button I was about to press could not possibly be anything that would make me feel better...about anything. It might not be anything to make me feel bad, but there was no reason to believe it would be anything to make me feel good.

The text consisted of a conversation in which he expressed his disappointment in that she would not be able to attend an event on Saturday. To this he responded, since she could not make it, he'd like to take her out to dinner sometime instead. She said "sure" and he told her to name the place and it was done.

I've spent the last several months an emotional wreck over this guy, and yet it never occured to me that at some point, there would be a girl. And that if I really wanted to remain his close friend, I'd have to face that reality. But today I got that reality handed to me unintentionally, and I guess all I can say is, that's what I get for snooping.

That was all I needed. I handed him back his phone and walked away. I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to distract myself with work and all the while trying to convince myself that maybe that piece of information (whether I'm supposed to know about it or not) was all I needed to force myself to move on.

The jury's still out.

insights

Sometimes we need a little reminding.

*during your daily encounters with others, remember that you never know what issues they might be dealing with behind closed doors. most days, we are able to leave our problems at the door when we arrive, but some days we aren't that strong. next time someone is a little less than pleasant with you, be a little extra kind...you just might make their day.

*be patient. we all have our struggles and we all have our fortes. the only stupid questions are the ones that don't get asked. so next time someone asks you one, take it as a compliment--they obviously think you are smart enough to ask you in the first place--and help in whatever way you can.

*working in the service industry for the last 6 years of my life has taught me nothing if not this: the system is not perfect, and as soon as you accept that, life will suddenly become a lot less stressful. no one ever died because they had to wait in line or their food took 15 minutes to be made instead of 10...

*when we live with regrets, we admit that that period of time was a waste. instead, fix whatever went awry and take it as a learning experience. as long as it doesn't kill you, you'll come out stronger in the end.

*and finally. (And I know how cliche it is...) life only comes around once and it really is as short as they say. when an opportunity presents itself, think very carefully before turning it down--you may never get that chance again. a little life economics for you: if your benefits ultimately outweigh your costs, life is certain to be a lot more fulfilling.


Just a little mid-afternoon insight for your viewing pleasure. Although I wrote these as little personal reminders, I hope anyone who might read this can benefit, as well.

Thank You, Miss Carrie

After watching Sex and the City, tonight, I feel like I can relate to Carrie... her "Big" is my "B". This isn't a comforting comparison. In the end, she ended up with hers, but it took 10 years and many, many, many heartbreaks. If that's what's in store for me for the rest of my 20s and into my 30s, no thank you. In any case, the episode's closing line was brilliant.

"What ultimately defines a relationship is another relationship." -Carrie Bradshaw

brought to you by teenage angst

I was doing some digging tonight, and I came across some old writings I did when I was about 16. They have a slightly immature nature about them, but all the same, I think the messages they convey still speak to me the same way they did 6 years ago.

My 16th year was a very difficult one...this may very well be reflected in these passages.

I am going to share them here, unedited and uncut, and this is a lot for me; I'm pretty sure I never showed anyone the things that I wrote back then...

Almost exactly 6 years ago

4/18/03
Untitled #1

Mind fierce with anticipation
Heart racing with anxiety
Wondering what will come of
A moment worthy only of perfection

Thunder disrupts a once calm sky
Flashes of lightning pierce the velvet blue heavens
Diamond sparkles in between
As I gaze into a curious wonderment
Dreaming of a perfect reunion with a more perfect someone

Untitled #2

True love, once expressed, will never fade
Though probably shown in less than perfect terms
It can always be found hidden deep within

Long after the moment is ideal
Love is many times expressed through hate
Disguised and manipulated
It cannot be destroyed
Moments of passion, fits of love
Always remain love
Hate is triggered by a love gone wrong
Or by a raging, incurable jealousy
Or by a lethal combination of the two

4/19/03
Untitled #3

Awaiting your arrival
This moment put off for too long already
(heart beating faster, can't focus)
I shake with worry
(because you're late)
And I become frantic
(because this day can't fail)

You appear
And slowly your embrace finds mine
Tears frozen in my chest
(because this moment can't be real)
I surpress them inside
(because this is in fact real)

Throw me around you
(you bend down so I can reach)
This moment, dreamt of so long
Ending in an instant
Lasting forever in my mind

My soul aches for your last embrace
Heart hurts when you leave

Say goodbye for now
But this isn't the end



This last one really gets to me, because although it was written at a different period of my life, I feel as though it could have been written yesterday. This particular piece was about no one in particular, though it could easily apply (today) to a very certain someone.

I don't want to be done, but I think I have to be.

When this struggle gets too difficult, I need to remember what happened, for the second time, Saturday night. I may never be anything more than a fling to you, and I need to use that as my motivation to get over you.

And if that doesn't work, I'll bring back the memory I should probably forget; the one where you mentioned Katie's name not five minutes after the fact. Talk about bad timing.

Use Somebody

If you have not yet listened to "Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon, I highly suggest it. My newest addiction.

I've been roaming around
Always looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you
And all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up, I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me
Someone like me
Someone like me
(Go and let it out)

Julie

It's so good to have a friend you can just talk to, and tonight that was Julie. We've been friends for a little over a year and we've talked before, but tonight was a bonding moment; I shared with her my deepest secrets and we found a new level. I'm so glad to have her.

It didn't help, though, that B was always in my line of sight, and it's hard to think about much else when he's visible. I'm doing better with that, though. I want him to just break down and admit he loves me, but I guess if I can't have that, I'll just settle for a temporary distraction. Ya know... till he's ready ;-)

Tonight was fabulous.

we are the land of gluttony, after all

Probably one of the saddest sights I've ever seen was the one I saw tonight as I was leaving work.

I work at a restaurant and table of grossly overweight children caught my eye. I don't mean that these kids were slightly heavier-set than others in their age range. I mean to say that their faces were so pudgy that their eyes almost completely hid behind their cheeks; their arms didn't necessarily fall down to their sides like they normally should; and every single child (maybe 6 of them?) was wearing sweatpants-- I'm guessing because clothes aren't usually made that big to accomodate children that small.

I don't want to be misunderstood, here. To me, this is not a weight issue. This is an issue of neglectful parenting and borderline child abuse. For such small children, they may have weighed more than I do, and they weren't a day above 7 or 8. The parents, too, were large but again, this is not my issue. I just don't understand HOW or WHY a parent could let their child get to that point. Obesity before age 10. Really??

a letter of sorts

Dear Rachel,

I've lost a few friends along the way, but for some reason that I just can't figure out, this one has hurt me the most. We met when we were 16 at the restaurant where we both still work. We were young and life was still fairly carefree. We spent the following summer going to lots of concerts together--something that has turned out to be one of my favorite memories. Even to this day, you're the only girl I know who can enjoy a rock show as much as I do. I'll always remember the time I locked my keys in my car in downtown Cleveland and we waited in that scary BW3; and the time you picked that kid up by his collar because he thought it would be cute to knock your hat off your head. So many great bands we saw that year...

I guess it all started to disintegrate that summer we found boyfriends. Alan was not your first, but Bryan was mine. You and I still found time for each other, but as time made our relationships stronger, we drifted. I'm still kicking myself for all those times you and Alan wanted us all to get ice cream together and I let Bryan talk me out of it. Though your relationship stayed strong, mine ended and in came the next guy. Although I now regret that year of my life that I spent with him, you were still there.

When that relationship of mine ended, that's pretty much the last I remember of my friendship with you, too. You and your boy decided to befriend my ex and that's when you and I really drifted. You also befriended my greatest enemy. I guess it all really fell apart when, despite all my begging, you refused to come to my 21st birthday party because you "didn't feel like it." I never forgot that and I'm still not over it.

Almost exactly a year ago (Apr 2008), we gave it one more go. You invited me to see MSI in concert with you, and I was ecstatic that after 4 years, we were going to another show together. The concert was fun and we laughed the whole way home as we got lost on the streets of downtown Cleveland, a place with which we were all too familiar.

That was the last time we did anything together, and the drift between us has only gotten wider. I almost can't stand to work with you anymore, and I today I think I actually used the word bitch to describe you. I hate that what was once my best friendship has totally fallen apart. And more than that, I hate that you don't seem to care.

I miss you.

Love,
M

I keep thinking maybe it's too late

Someone inadvertently reminded me today that I am no one's best friend, which reminded me that I am also no one's girlfriend, and now I'm sulking.

A lot of self-reflectiong lately has led me to the conclusion that there must be something fundamentally undateable about me. It's been two years that I've been single, and I've struck out big time with the last three guys that caught my attention. And I keep reminding myself, I'm only 22, my time is coming, the guy must be right around the corner... and then I think, what if I'm writing this same entry next year? and 5 years after that? I don't think I can face the world alone for the rest of my life. I'm just not cut out for it.

Slide

Put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Do you wanna get married...
Or run away?

And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete
Little pieces
of the nothing
that fall...

a new day

Had my first of 12 personal training sessions today.

127 lbs
34 inches

Update in 6 weeks!

the saga continues

Every day, I look to find something about you that I don't like. You're waaaay too lax, almost nothing bothers you, you're usually late... sometimes I think you don't even respect me. And for the life of me, I can't remember what happened to the You that was always excited to see me. That was my very favorite part of You, and I'm certain that I what I said scared it away.

All the things I love about you are all the things I can't stand about you.

I have never, ever felt like this before. And that's what makes me pretty sure that I love you.

The worst part is, I don't know if I will ever get past this.

:-)

The best days are the ones that are great for no reason at all. Except for the fact that you're surrounded by your very favorite people.

Why can't every day be a natural high like today?