Jordan

I've always known that snooping is bad. It's morally wrong and it's a terrible invasion of privacy. And to boot, snooping has never made anyone feel better. We're only looking to find something that we don't really want to find at all. Then, when/if we do find it, there's no talking to anyone about it because then we have to admit that we snooped. There is no "up" side to this scenario. If it so happens that you don't find the disappointment you initially set out to find, you simply feel as though it's still out there; you were just unsuccessful in locating it.

I snooped today. I know it's horrible and I'm completely ashamed. My blog is the only medium I have to confess this where I'm hoping my readers won't judge me too harshly. I feel bad about it, but not as bad as I feel about what I found.

B got a new phone, a BlackBerry. He was showing it off today at work, and I asked to play around with it. While scrolling through the features, I happened upon the Messages section. I was only there for a second, and as I was backing out of it, I saw a message to/from this girl that I've met once or twice--a girl he works with at his other job. This is the part where I should have known better; the part where I should have known that what laid beyond the click of the button I was about to press could not possibly be anything that would make me feel better...about anything. It might not be anything to make me feel bad, but there was no reason to believe it would be anything to make me feel good.

The text consisted of a conversation in which he expressed his disappointment in that she would not be able to attend an event on Saturday. To this he responded, since she could not make it, he'd like to take her out to dinner sometime instead. She said "sure" and he told her to name the place and it was done.

I've spent the last several months an emotional wreck over this guy, and yet it never occured to me that at some point, there would be a girl. And that if I really wanted to remain his close friend, I'd have to face that reality. But today I got that reality handed to me unintentionally, and I guess all I can say is, that's what I get for snooping.

That was all I needed. I handed him back his phone and walked away. I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to distract myself with work and all the while trying to convince myself that maybe that piece of information (whether I'm supposed to know about it or not) was all I needed to force myself to move on.

The jury's still out.