to: B, from: M

Dare I say it, I think I'm over B!!! Like, dear God, I'm not sure how that's possible or even when it happened. But this is my theory: a couple weeks ago, I started to worry that in addition to not being with him, I was slowly losing him as a friend, too. That thought alone absolutely terrified me, and I think it was at that time that I was able to take a step back and face facts. And somewhere along the way, I started feeling better.

I think I found some sort of closure last night, when I sent him an IM saying the following:

fetchdixon221 (12:17:59 AM): I just need to tell you this even though it might make you mad, I've got nothing to lose

fetchdixon221 (12:18:08 AM): I miss you
fetchdixon221 (12:19:09 AM): I don't feel like we're the same friends we used to be, and maybe that's just me, I don't know... but just let me assure you that there's nothing I want from you other than to be your friend and only that

fetchdixon221 (12:19:39 AM): we used to be able to talk about everything and it just didn't matter, but not so much anymore and it's just lame

fetchdixon221 (12:20:15 AM): aaand I know you're thinking this is mary just taking everything too seriously again, (ie your away message) but I guess that's just what I do

fetchdixon221 (12:22:37 AM): so hey I'm definitely not making a big deal out of anything, I would just LOVE it if my old friend came back around.

Never in my life have I felt so confident in saying I miss you to someone.. It's normally a very vulnerabe confession. But today, albeit I only saw him at work, the dynamic between us seemed to be right back on track, and I think that's exactly the reassurance I needed in order to just.move.on.

Grass on the other side, here I come!

could this be the new start I've been oh-so craving?

Things have been kind of shitty around here for me lately, but since I'm not in a crappy mood right now, I'll do myself the favor and not bring any of it up until it starts to bother me again.

Instead, let me tell you about the good news!!!

Had a phone interview today for a part-time teller position at Key Bank. Granted that this is the career path I hope to take, this would be an excellent time to get my foot in the door! Interview went well and she is passing my information along to the actual branch manager who should be contacting me soon for a face-to-face interview!

*fingers crosssssed!*

whatever happened to library etiquette?

I think talking on cell phones in the library should be BANISHED!! Texting, fine. Headphones, even, fine. Conversing and giggling with your bff while I'm studying for finals is NOT fine! arrrgghhh.

Whenever I post "away messages" on instant messenger, sometimes they actually give reference to my whereabouts, but more often than not, I insert a random lyric or whatever thought is presently running through my mind. Today, it was this,

Don't ever underestimate your heart-breaking capabilities.

Though this may have been inspired by my B, I didn't mean to necessarily direct it at him. And since him and I have never talked about my feelings since that lonely instance in November, I was a little caught off guard by the away message HE posted.

Yeah, it was a mistake, I do regret it and I don't regret much in my life...but this I do! So please just let it go!

Now I'm not one to assume that things are always about me, but I am fairly certain this is; and if so, he is surely referencing our drunken rendezvous a few months back.

Of course I cannot respond, but if I could, it would go something like this.

B, believe it or not, I don't live with regrets, either. Of course there are the rare few events in our lives that we undoubtedly would take back and do over if we could, but in general, I feel that to regret something is to admit that it was a part of your life that you wasted. And who wants to look back on a wasted life? In any case, you are certainly not one of the things I regret. That night is not something I will look back on with regret and shame, nor do I think it was a mistake. If there is anything about this situation that I regret, it's the thing that was completely out of my control and that is, falling for you in the first place-- only because it never materialized into something and all that came from it was heartbreak on my end. But I don't think it's plausible to think that I could ever regret anything having to do with you. And so I hope I haven't become your life's only regret.

progress is progress

personal trainer update:

previously: 127 lbs ; 34 inches.

today:
127.4 lbs
33 inches

I will attribute the ever so slight gain in lbs to the "muscle" I've been toning. And more importantly, I lost an inch! So it's only an inch. At least I haven't gained one!

update

It's been a terribly busy week-- I didn't mean to go m.i.a.!

As for my car, I finally got into a rental and they began work on my car last Wednesday! But that certainly didn't come without obstacles. Tuesday afternoon, after still not hearing from either the kid who hit me or his insurance, I gave his home phone a ring. His dad generously offered that info at the scene, so I figured, why not? Some lady--whom I'm guessing was his mother--answered the phone. When I told her who I was and that I desperately needed him to talk with the insurance people, she (very rudely) informed me... "He is in school, and he can deal with it when he's not in school." After a few more words were exchanged and I had given her my phone number, SHE HUNG UP ON ME! I couldn't believe it! In that split second, I went from being merely inconvenienced to outright pissed off. I decided then that if, after Wednesday, I hadn't heard from anyone, I was going to take care of it myself and then sue him if I had to. I was getting so tired of him holding my car hostage while he dodged the phone calls from the insurance company.

But first thing Wednesday morning, I got a wake-up call from his insurance informing me that they had spoken with him and would be accepting liability; the repair shop had been sent the assignment to being work, and my rental car was ready to be picked up! An hour later, I was picking up my pretty red Mazda 3 (but they first tried to give me a Focus! haha, I said, no thanks, I'll wait for that Mazda...) and now I'm just waiting to hear that my car is ready. They said last week that it would be about 2 weeks to fix it.

Other than that, these next two weeks are finals weeks, and I'm frantically trying to get everything finished so that I can enjoy my two free weeks before summer classes start!

P.S. Chele- Thanks for your advice!! It definitely came in handy, but fortunately I didn't have to use it. Much appreciated ;-)

there's a first time for everything

So, my accident was Thursday night... I'm feeling better about it but I've found I'm now absolutely paranoid when I drive, and I'm downright terrified at intersections. I never before realized how inconsiderate some drivers can be... I wish I had a sign on my car that read: I'm driving like a grandma because I was just in an accident that terrified me to my very soul- please respect that when you share the road with me, and stop turning in front of me when there is not sufficient time to do so safely. I know there is no way for them to know, but I wish I could tell everyone that every time they speed up for that yellow light or cut a quick turn in front of me, it's all I can do not to panic.

I wish I was exaggerating, because my accident wasn't major. A busted headlight (though his car was worse), some fluid leakage, and best of all, no one was hurt. Though I don't yet know the full extent of the damage, I know it was certainly not as bad as it could have been. I can only imagine if it had been any worse, I might be seriously traumatized. Things always affect me more than they should and this is no exception.

It's no surprise that dealing with the insurance companies is a nightmare. I filed a claim with my company that night; as of 4:00 this afternoon, he still had not spoken with his. I know this because...(how do I make this sound simple?)...I declined to go through my own insurance in hopes of avoiding the automatic $500 deductible and also, I just want him and his insurance to feel a little of what I'm feeling. This afternoon, I tracked down his insurance adjuster (who said she'd been trying to reach me all morning and as it turns out, she had my phone number wrong) who still had not been able to get in touch with him. She also informed me that he does not have collision coverage for himself which is sure to be the reason he has not yet reported it. She assured me that he was instructed to contact her before 8 A.M. tomorrow so that we can get on with the whole thing. I just know the luck I usually have and I'm afraid he may be difficult to pin down. Meanwhile, no one can give me a rental until we've heard from him and his insurance accepts the blame, and my car is sitting in some shop, also waiting on his insurance to come through.

It's all so maddening, and I'm hoping with all I've got that I hear from them first thing tomorrow morning.

But like I said earlier... I need to count my blessings that him and I are both okay and even the cars are not likely to sustain permanent injuries.