surprise

Wow... just when I think I've got you all figured out, you go and you say just the thing I need you to say.

...

Death is a funny, terrible thing that you never know your true feelings about until the first time it hits home.

I've been sad and grieving, then accepting and peaceful, then devasted again and crying, and then back to acceptance. What I've come to conclude is, no matter how much I attempt and may eventually succeed at making my peace with what has happened, it will never be any less tragic and sad. What I'm still working on is whether or not I'll ever get past the instant tears and depression that come with the mere mention of him... or anything that remotely remindes me of the sweetest old man I ever knew.

I don't want to elaborate for fear I'll jinx it. But I just have to say..

pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

when all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary, rest your head... I'm permanent.

Today God decided it was time for my grandfather to be with him now, and now he's taken him to Heaven. So many thoughts and questions and prayers going through my head constantly and I know it will be quite some time before I make sense of any of it... as truly devastated as I am, as we all are, I think it's safe to say he is safe and comfortable now, and finally peaceful. No more doctors, no more living facilities, no more confusion and resistance. Now he's getting the rest he so rightfully deserves and I'm praying God will take good care of him now.

I'm doing my best to stay strong for my mom, but death is a whole new ballgame for me-- one I've really never had to play before. I promise to do the very best I can.



I highly recommend listening to "Permanent", by David Cook... it's been a favorite of mine and right now it's stuck on repeat.

f*ck

Edit: Everything is fine now... I just really needed a rant, and now it's all better :)

I am in full on panic mode right now. Years of procrastinating have finally caught up with me and in the worst way.

Fall semester tuition was due tonight before 7:30. I remembered at about 8:10.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Too much? No, that's how I feel right now and I've been walking around for the past hour muttering obscenities to myself. I had months to pay this tuition, opened many reminders in the mail, and left myself several post-its to remind myself. And in the time I wrote all those post-its, I could have just logged online and paid the bill in less than 2 minutes. Instead, I waited, and now it's possibly too late.

I guess I forgot to mention that if tuition isn't paid in full by the deadline, your classes are cancelled. I'm not sure if I'll be able to (before classes start Monday) reschedule my classes. And even if they will allow it, those particular classes are likely to be snatched up when a seat (mine) opens up. I'm supposed to be graduating in December and transfering to a 4-year University in January. I've been excited about this transfer for about 2 years now, and I may have just fucked myself up enough to have to wait till next August.

I'm going to die if I find out tomorrow that I totally screwed myself. I'm panicking, shaking, can hardly type, and definitely can't sleep (yet). I need to find a way to force sleep, because I'm up at 7 again tomorrow...

help wanted

Last summer was the summer I lost 10 pounds. This has been the summer of gaining back those 10 pounds. I'm damned and determined that I've got to turn it around right now. I'm starting to feel depressed because of it, and in turn, I look to comfort food for...well, comfort. I've read every article ever written about staying on track, staying motivated, making it fun and easy... What I could really use now is some words of encouragement. Success stories, words of wisdom, insights, quotes... Anything you guys know that might motivate me and put me back on track would be greatly appreciated by me :-)

Love you guys and thanks in advance! :-)

new job

I started my new job on Monday and I LOVE it! Things are kind of boring and slow for me now while I learn all the policies and procedures. But everyone is sooo nice. Even the customers that come in seem to be very personable and the regulars that are starting to notice me are welcoming me and wishing me luck, too. I don't know if it's the job itself or the fact that I was way overdue for a change in my life, or a combination of both, but I'm in love with my job :-)