...New blog under construction, coming shortly. Why a new one? I seem to have abandoned this one, and ridiculous as it sounds, I'm having this overwhelming urge lately to shake all the old habits that weren't working for me. This abandoned blog is one of them. New blog by the new me will be up and running soon enough :-)

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I guess I'll always love you, even if I hate you. And I can't wait to get away from you because apparently I'll always let you get to me. I don't want you out of my life. I need you out.


I've been MIA from the blogging world for a bit. I guess that's the way it goes. I'll be back soon with a more positive attitude, promise.

It's official. I will be GRADUATING in December!! Okay, so I still have 2 more years of college ahead of me, but I will be graduating from community college with my Associates that I have been working on for 4 1/2 years (sheesh--too long)! I'm transferring to Cleveland State University in January and I could not be more excited. A new school, new teachers, new city, new people, and the prospect of making new friends.

The next month is going to be a little mundane and tough to get through, but once I do I'm going to be feeling sooo much better! :)

patience may be a virtue but come on!

I am so fed up. I've freakin' had it already! I hate to sound like a broken record, but WHERE IS MY HAPPINESS? Where is my Prince Charming with whom I can spend warm summer nights and cozy snowed-in ones? Where's this man I crave? I'm even becoming bitter and I hate it-- I'll see couples all over the place, and I'll think to myself, how did *they* find happiness and I'm alone and quickly becoming a bitter old maid? They're mean, rude, class-less, tacky people, and yet they've found their equal counterpart. And as for me?

Well my life of loneliness had started to crumble away at my self-esteem, and then I started thinking, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'm a fun girl with lots to offer. I'm intelligent and opinionated. I'm a hard-worker with goals and dreams for the future. I think I'm somewhat attractive--cute, even. I love nothing more than laughing and my sense of humor is at another level. I enjoy a party as much as I appreciate quiet time at home. And most of all, I'm capable of so much love it's ridiculous. I know I've been a good girlfriend in the past--I treat birthdays like national holidays, and I save every momento that ever meant anything--ticket stubs, pictures, you name it. So, I ask you,

WHERE THE HELL IS MY MAN??

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly

I haven't written in a month... Can that be right?? I suppose so. My life is just a whirlwind of thoughts, decisions, and varying emotions--an entire spectrum of them. In a few, summarized words, here is my basic thought process of the past month.

• I'm struggling to get back on the ball with my exercising and healthy eating. I've been wondering why this summer was so much more difficult than last. The conclusion I've come to that seems to make the most since is this: I heard one of those doctors on TV (I think Dr. Oz?) mention that sometimes we use food to fill a void in our lives, and I 100% believe that to be true, at least for me. Last summer when I was on this incredible upswing and lost 10-15 lbs, I just felt better overall. I had a great time with my friends and didn't care that I was single. This summer, the complete opposite has been true, and I'm afraid I let food comfort me in place of the human interaction I so crave and that has been absent these past few months. So what I've decided is this. Now that I'm aware of why, (thanks, Dr!) I can work that much harder on getting better. Plus, I also considered the fact that if I met a great boy now, anyway, I'd be too unhappy with myself to let said boy really get close. So if I can spend the next 4-ish months working on ME, maybe life will reward me with a cute one :)
  
• An additional note on my lack-of-a-boy situation: I've also decided that I'm happier being single than being in a relationship with the wrong guy. Even the wrong ones are hard to leave once you get attached.
  
• Depending on where life takes me in the next couple years, I'm seriously considering a big move. Chicago is right at the top of my list. Although I've yet to visit there, Chicago has always called out to me in a certain way. It's just one of those things in life that feels right, even if I can't explain it. My plan is to make a trip there soon, and go from there. I'm hoping to graduate with my Bachelor's in approx. 2 years, making it a great time for a big change. I'm chicken, though, and leaving Cleveland would be one of the most difficult choices of my life--I didn't grow up here but it has totally become my home over the past 8 years.

More thoughts to come... but bedtime is now and I must retire for the evening. 'Night!

I got back on the treadmill tonight for the first time in a couple weeks. Felt good, and I managed to stay on for 30 minutes! Now that is something I haven't been able to accomplish (or haven't been motivated to) in a really long time. And the best part is, after 30, I really got warmed up and could have easily gone another 10. I would have, but I was using the gym at my apt complex, and another couple walked in and I felt kind of awkward, so when my time was up, I let them have free reign of the place. But hey, it's okay! I walked/ran for 30 minutes today and I feel awesome.

Here are my goals for the next two weeks:

-90 minutes of cardio per week
-keep track on my newly made excel spreadsheet of my calorie/fat/carb, etc. intake
-take measurements every Wednesday night

I'll update with my numbers and such in two weeks-- hopefully I'll have some good news!

I haven't written in several days because I haven't found the energy. Life has been so messed up these last few weeks. Never in my life have I felt so messed up, confused, depressed, and angry. How am I coping with it all? Not real well.

This past Saturday night, my aunt Mildred passed away, exactly a month after my grandfather left us. I can't begin to describe how tragic it is to lose two of the most important people in your life in the matter of a few weeks, especially after having never really lost anyone close to you before.

I'll be back soon, hopefully, once I'm able to make some sense out of the mess that is my life at the moment.