All your life, people around you are always telling you, when you learn to love yourself--really love who you are--so will everyone else.
Why do I feel like the exception? I'm very pleased with myself and my life right now. I just landed a great new job; I have a great apartment; I'm finally starting to think of myself as attractive; in October my braces come off (not actual braces- I've had Invisalign since last October) and I will finally have a perfect smile that so many people take for granted and that I've waited my whole life for; I'm funny, thoughtful, loyal, passionate... the only thing I would change about myself at the present time is my weight... or, rather, the way I look. I'm not heavy or "fat" (though I despise that word), but I've got some extra I don't need and that is certainly fixable (I think..)
I'm going on 23 and I'm finally learning how to really LOVE myself and who I've become, and now no one else does. I had more friends and boyfriends when I was 20 pounds heavier, unmotivated, and depressed.
Just like everything else I encounter, this is all ass backward.
7.30.2009
7.27.2009
dream
It's not often that I remember my dreams, but last night I had one that terrified me to my very soul. It was very, very real, and very very scary. I don't remember how he got in, but I was being attacked by some man in my apartment. I had managed to get to my bedroom and shut the door on him, and by some miracle, I was able to match his strength in being able to hold the door shut while he tried to break through. Several panicked, "HELP ME!"s later, I was able to reach the phone on my bed, and the rest of the dream is what really bothers me. It never occured to me (in the dream) to call 911. The first and only message I sent was to B. I then called my mom so she could hear the screaming and know something was wrong... and then I just sat there and prayed, all while still fighting this guy's strength and determination to get to me behind that door.
Seconds later, I heard a man's voice, but it was a different man. When I opened the door, I saw B standing there. The details escape me now, but somehow he took the man down, and in my eyes, saved my life. My mom arrived seconds later, and I woke up literally feeling like I had escaped death. The vividness of it all is especially disturbing to me, especially since I never, ever, remember dreams that I've had. And how fucked up is it that my first call in my life-threatening situation was to HIM, not 911, and not my mother, or ANY other of my friends that would have been there in a second...
It was him and he saved my life and... DAMMIT. I had just gotten him out of my head and now it's invading my subconscience. DAMMIT.
Seconds later, I heard a man's voice, but it was a different man. When I opened the door, I saw B standing there. The details escape me now, but somehow he took the man down, and in my eyes, saved my life. My mom arrived seconds later, and I woke up literally feeling like I had escaped death. The vividness of it all is especially disturbing to me, especially since I never, ever, remember dreams that I've had. And how fucked up is it that my first call in my life-threatening situation was to HIM, not 911, and not my mother, or ANY other of my friends that would have been there in a second...
It was him and he saved my life and... DAMMIT. I had just gotten him out of my head and now it's invading my subconscience. DAMMIT.
7.25.2009
No matter how silly, lame, or made-up those Facebook quizzes are, they're fun. I particularly enjoyed the response I got from the quiz, "Are you a Rolling Stone or a Beatle"?
"Paul McCartney. You are bubbly, fun, intelligent, and a true kid at heart. Show what you are. A smile."
Yes, I am! Who knew a quiz could know me better than most people that know me?
"Paul McCartney. You are bubbly, fun, intelligent, and a true kid at heart. Show what you are. A smile."
Yes, I am! Who knew a quiz could know me better than most people that know me?
7.24.2009
a certain shade of green
This may sound silly, and perhaps it is only a byproduct of the rut I seem to be stuck in, but lately I've been thinking a lot about my childhood and how much I miss it. I know I'm crazy, because when I actually lived my childhood, it wasn't so great, and looking at the big picture, I know I have it better now. My mom and I didn't have a great relationship, I had very, very few friends, and I depended on everyone for everything (something that is NOT true of me, now...)
But now, as a working adult, full-time student with bills to pay and a mouth to feed (mine), my carefree childhood days seem so distant and forgotton. I think most of us take our childhoods for granted, but I think it is inevitable. How can we know what we're missing until we're old enough to miss it? As kids, we can't wait to grow up, and once we get there, we spend our days reminiscing of our kid years. Of course, adults were always there to tell us "Don't take this time for granted...these are the best years of your life...don't grow up too fast, you've got your whole life to be grown," but we didn't care... We always thought the grown-ups didn't know what the hell they were talking about. Turns out, they did.
As human beings, are we really so dense that we can't appreicate something until we're old enough to realize that it's gone and we're never getting it back?
I don't even think that childhood was the best time of my life. I firmly believe that those years are still ahead of me.
Truer words have never been spoken. The grass is always greener on the other side.
But now, as a working adult, full-time student with bills to pay and a mouth to feed (mine), my carefree childhood days seem so distant and forgotton. I think most of us take our childhoods for granted, but I think it is inevitable. How can we know what we're missing until we're old enough to miss it? As kids, we can't wait to grow up, and once we get there, we spend our days reminiscing of our kid years. Of course, adults were always there to tell us "Don't take this time for granted...these are the best years of your life...don't grow up too fast, you've got your whole life to be grown," but we didn't care... We always thought the grown-ups didn't know what the hell they were talking about. Turns out, they did.
As human beings, are we really so dense that we can't appreicate something until we're old enough to realize that it's gone and we're never getting it back?
I don't even think that childhood was the best time of my life. I firmly believe that those years are still ahead of me.
Truer words have never been spoken. The grass is always greener on the other side.
7.21.2009
I won't be that girl
I think I lost a best friend today. Yes, my B. Unbeknownst to him, B has managed to break my heart once and bruise it a few more, and all in less than a year's time. I think today was the last time.
The circumstances aren't really important. The lack of sorrow and the lack of an APOLOGY for being a grade A jerk to me two nights ago left me with the realization that this man will never (could never) be able to give me what I want or need. Even something as simple as an apology that I more than deserved.
It's heart-breaking and terrible, but today I had to insist that he will never make me feel this way again. And so, B, I'm letting go of our friendship. If you are man enough to be the one that holds it together, I won't resist. But I'm done doing the holding. It's up to you now.
The circumstances aren't really important. The lack of sorrow and the lack of an APOLOGY for being a grade A jerk to me two nights ago left me with the realization that this man will never (could never) be able to give me what I want or need. Even something as simple as an apology that I more than deserved.
It's heart-breaking and terrible, but today I had to insist that he will never make me feel this way again. And so, B, I'm letting go of our friendship. If you are man enough to be the one that holds it together, I won't resist. But I'm done doing the holding. It's up to you now.
7.14.2009
fanny packs
My 12th grade government teacher once said something that has never left me.
"People wearing fanny packs deserve to have their fannies packed."
This sentiment cracks me up every time it comes to mind, and yet, I'm continually amazed at how many people I still see wearing fanny packs!! Whyyy?
"People wearing fanny packs deserve to have their fannies packed."
This sentiment cracks me up every time it comes to mind, and yet, I'm continually amazed at how many people I still see wearing fanny packs!! Whyyy?
7.13.2009
7.01.2009
reader beware: this is the blog that doesn't end...
It was so great to be back in Mississippi, seeing friends who reminded me what it's like to have people WANT you around. People who couldn't get enough of me, nor I of them. I was reunited with 3 friends this past weekend who single-handedly (triple-handedly...?) reminded me that I am important.
Things around home haven't been awesome lately. I don't have much reason to complain, so I try not to, but it's hard not to remember how much better last summer was, compared to this year. In the summer of 2008--one of the best, ever--all of my friends were always hanging out together. Whether we were just hanging out at someone's house or out at our favorite bar, we were all pretty much together for most of the summer. I guess that tradition spoiled me, because this year, it couldn't be any more different. With a couple exceptions, it seems that most everyone has gone off and formed all these "side groups" while the big group gets together... almost never. It really seems unfortunate that it has turned out that way; even more so since I don't seem to belong to any of the "side groups" that, put together, used to make up my entire group of friends.
So this trip back home to MS was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. Never before have I needed so much reminding that true friends do exist. This weekend, I found a few of them.
Skye: Skye and I have been friends for--literally--my entire life. Going on 23 years now, she was there with me through my best and worst times growing up, and although we have drifted in and out of each other's lives now and then, we're back together for good. In the last 8 years since I moved here, I've been able to see her semi-regularly, about once a year, sometimes twice. Myspace and FB have given us convenient communication options that fit well into our otherwise busy lives. This weekend, I saw her 3 out of the 3 days I was there, and it was wonderful.
Jonathan: This was the most exciting reminder for me this weekend. Johnny and I were friends in the 8th and 9th grades, but halfway through 9th, I moved here and shortly after that, he moved away, too. Though we weren't the closest of friends when we both moved away, we did a pretty good job of staying in touch. For a couple of years after our moves, I saw him twice, I think. We kept in touch via e-mail, and then later, Myspace. Before this trip, something like 4 or 5 years had passed since I'd even heard from him. I later came to the realization that it had been 6 years since the last time I actually saw him.
I was lucky enough to be able to spend some time with him for 2 of the 3 days I was there and I was more than excited to see him; however, for whatever reason, I found myself really nervous when I was around him, and for the most of the time I spent with him, I was so quiet, shy, and really reserved. I know I'm normally kind of a quiet person anyway, but it was like I had never met him before. I was nervous every time I opened my mouth. He even commented that I seemed like I was upset about something. And I had to agree with him...something was different about the way I acted, and I still can't put my finger on it. All I can guess is that I was so excited to see him after so long, my nerves got the better of me, and it took the entire trip before I recovered. I feel like I squandered the first chance I've had to see him in YEARS. I wish I could see him again, sooner rather than later; I certainly did not make the impression I wanted to.
I must not have made an awful impression, because during one of conversations, I mentioned that I've always wanted to go to Chicago but can never find any friends to go with me. He jumped in about how he wants to go there too, and although the when is uncertain, he sounded excited about saying hopefully we'll be able to go. So yay, for that!
I don't want to be misunderstood-- It was amazing to see him again and I'm still reeling from it; I just can't help feeling like I was a Grade A idiot in front of one of my long-lost best friends and I didn't make the most of what little time we had.
There's one more friend, but seeing as how this is unreasonably long already, I'd better call it a night. If you made it this far, you're a trooper--thanks!
Things around home haven't been awesome lately. I don't have much reason to complain, so I try not to, but it's hard not to remember how much better last summer was, compared to this year. In the summer of 2008--one of the best, ever--all of my friends were always hanging out together. Whether we were just hanging out at someone's house or out at our favorite bar, we were all pretty much together for most of the summer. I guess that tradition spoiled me, because this year, it couldn't be any more different. With a couple exceptions, it seems that most everyone has gone off and formed all these "side groups" while the big group gets together... almost never. It really seems unfortunate that it has turned out that way; even more so since I don't seem to belong to any of the "side groups" that, put together, used to make up my entire group of friends.
So this trip back home to MS was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. Never before have I needed so much reminding that true friends do exist. This weekend, I found a few of them.
Skye: Skye and I have been friends for--literally--my entire life. Going on 23 years now, she was there with me through my best and worst times growing up, and although we have drifted in and out of each other's lives now and then, we're back together for good. In the last 8 years since I moved here, I've been able to see her semi-regularly, about once a year, sometimes twice. Myspace and FB have given us convenient communication options that fit well into our otherwise busy lives. This weekend, I saw her 3 out of the 3 days I was there, and it was wonderful.
Jonathan: This was the most exciting reminder for me this weekend. Johnny and I were friends in the 8th and 9th grades, but halfway through 9th, I moved here and shortly after that, he moved away, too. Though we weren't the closest of friends when we both moved away, we did a pretty good job of staying in touch. For a couple of years after our moves, I saw him twice, I think. We kept in touch via e-mail, and then later, Myspace. Before this trip, something like 4 or 5 years had passed since I'd even heard from him. I later came to the realization that it had been 6 years since the last time I actually saw him.
I was lucky enough to be able to spend some time with him for 2 of the 3 days I was there and I was more than excited to see him; however, for whatever reason, I found myself really nervous when I was around him, and for the most of the time I spent with him, I was so quiet, shy, and really reserved. I know I'm normally kind of a quiet person anyway, but it was like I had never met him before. I was nervous every time I opened my mouth. He even commented that I seemed like I was upset about something. And I had to agree with him...something was different about the way I acted, and I still can't put my finger on it. All I can guess is that I was so excited to see him after so long, my nerves got the better of me, and it took the entire trip before I recovered. I feel like I squandered the first chance I've had to see him in YEARS. I wish I could see him again, sooner rather than later; I certainly did not make the impression I wanted to.
I must not have made an awful impression, because during one of conversations, I mentioned that I've always wanted to go to Chicago but can never find any friends to go with me. He jumped in about how he wants to go there too, and although the when is uncertain, he sounded excited about saying hopefully we'll be able to go. So yay, for that!
I don't want to be misunderstood-- It was amazing to see him again and I'm still reeling from it; I just can't help feeling like I was a Grade A idiot in front of one of my long-lost best friends and I didn't make the most of what little time we had.
There's one more friend, but seeing as how this is unreasonably long already, I'd better call it a night. If you made it this far, you're a trooper--thanks!
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