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I guess I'll always love you, even if I hate you. And I can't wait to get away from you because apparently I'll always let you get to me. I don't want you out of my life. I need you out.


I've been MIA from the blogging world for a bit. I guess that's the way it goes. I'll be back soon with a more positive attitude, promise.

It's official. I will be GRADUATING in December!! Okay, so I still have 2 more years of college ahead of me, but I will be graduating from community college with my Associates that I have been working on for 4 1/2 years (sheesh--too long)! I'm transferring to Cleveland State University in January and I could not be more excited. A new school, new teachers, new city, new people, and the prospect of making new friends.

The next month is going to be a little mundane and tough to get through, but once I do I'm going to be feeling sooo much better! :)

patience may be a virtue but come on!

I am so fed up. I've freakin' had it already! I hate to sound like a broken record, but WHERE IS MY HAPPINESS? Where is my Prince Charming with whom I can spend warm summer nights and cozy snowed-in ones? Where's this man I crave? I'm even becoming bitter and I hate it-- I'll see couples all over the place, and I'll think to myself, how did *they* find happiness and I'm alone and quickly becoming a bitter old maid? They're mean, rude, class-less, tacky people, and yet they've found their equal counterpart. And as for me?

Well my life of loneliness had started to crumble away at my self-esteem, and then I started thinking, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'm a fun girl with lots to offer. I'm intelligent and opinionated. I'm a hard-worker with goals and dreams for the future. I think I'm somewhat attractive--cute, even. I love nothing more than laughing and my sense of humor is at another level. I enjoy a party as much as I appreciate quiet time at home. And most of all, I'm capable of so much love it's ridiculous. I know I've been a good girlfriend in the past--I treat birthdays like national holidays, and I save every momento that ever meant anything--ticket stubs, pictures, you name it. So, I ask you,

WHERE THE HELL IS MY MAN??

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly

I haven't written in a month... Can that be right?? I suppose so. My life is just a whirlwind of thoughts, decisions, and varying emotions--an entire spectrum of them. In a few, summarized words, here is my basic thought process of the past month.

• I'm struggling to get back on the ball with my exercising and healthy eating. I've been wondering why this summer was so much more difficult than last. The conclusion I've come to that seems to make the most since is this: I heard one of those doctors on TV (I think Dr. Oz?) mention that sometimes we use food to fill a void in our lives, and I 100% believe that to be true, at least for me. Last summer when I was on this incredible upswing and lost 10-15 lbs, I just felt better overall. I had a great time with my friends and didn't care that I was single. This summer, the complete opposite has been true, and I'm afraid I let food comfort me in place of the human interaction I so crave and that has been absent these past few months. So what I've decided is this. Now that I'm aware of why, (thanks, Dr!) I can work that much harder on getting better. Plus, I also considered the fact that if I met a great boy now, anyway, I'd be too unhappy with myself to let said boy really get close. So if I can spend the next 4-ish months working on ME, maybe life will reward me with a cute one :)
  
• An additional note on my lack-of-a-boy situation: I've also decided that I'm happier being single than being in a relationship with the wrong guy. Even the wrong ones are hard to leave once you get attached.
  
• Depending on where life takes me in the next couple years, I'm seriously considering a big move. Chicago is right at the top of my list. Although I've yet to visit there, Chicago has always called out to me in a certain way. It's just one of those things in life that feels right, even if I can't explain it. My plan is to make a trip there soon, and go from there. I'm hoping to graduate with my Bachelor's in approx. 2 years, making it a great time for a big change. I'm chicken, though, and leaving Cleveland would be one of the most difficult choices of my life--I didn't grow up here but it has totally become my home over the past 8 years.

More thoughts to come... but bedtime is now and I must retire for the evening. 'Night!

I got back on the treadmill tonight for the first time in a couple weeks. Felt good, and I managed to stay on for 30 minutes! Now that is something I haven't been able to accomplish (or haven't been motivated to) in a really long time. And the best part is, after 30, I really got warmed up and could have easily gone another 10. I would have, but I was using the gym at my apt complex, and another couple walked in and I felt kind of awkward, so when my time was up, I let them have free reign of the place. But hey, it's okay! I walked/ran for 30 minutes today and I feel awesome.

Here are my goals for the next two weeks:

-90 minutes of cardio per week
-keep track on my newly made excel spreadsheet of my calorie/fat/carb, etc. intake
-take measurements every Wednesday night

I'll update with my numbers and such in two weeks-- hopefully I'll have some good news!

I haven't written in several days because I haven't found the energy. Life has been so messed up these last few weeks. Never in my life have I felt so messed up, confused, depressed, and angry. How am I coping with it all? Not real well.

This past Saturday night, my aunt Mildred passed away, exactly a month after my grandfather left us. I can't begin to describe how tragic it is to lose two of the most important people in your life in the matter of a few weeks, especially after having never really lost anyone close to you before.

I'll be back soon, hopefully, once I'm able to make some sense out of the mess that is my life at the moment.

surprise

Wow... just when I think I've got you all figured out, you go and you say just the thing I need you to say.

...

Death is a funny, terrible thing that you never know your true feelings about until the first time it hits home.

I've been sad and grieving, then accepting and peaceful, then devasted again and crying, and then back to acceptance. What I've come to conclude is, no matter how much I attempt and may eventually succeed at making my peace with what has happened, it will never be any less tragic and sad. What I'm still working on is whether or not I'll ever get past the instant tears and depression that come with the mere mention of him... or anything that remotely remindes me of the sweetest old man I ever knew.

I don't want to elaborate for fear I'll jinx it. But I just have to say..

pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

when all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary, rest your head... I'm permanent.

Today God decided it was time for my grandfather to be with him now, and now he's taken him to Heaven. So many thoughts and questions and prayers going through my head constantly and I know it will be quite some time before I make sense of any of it... as truly devastated as I am, as we all are, I think it's safe to say he is safe and comfortable now, and finally peaceful. No more doctors, no more living facilities, no more confusion and resistance. Now he's getting the rest he so rightfully deserves and I'm praying God will take good care of him now.

I'm doing my best to stay strong for my mom, but death is a whole new ballgame for me-- one I've really never had to play before. I promise to do the very best I can.



I highly recommend listening to "Permanent", by David Cook... it's been a favorite of mine and right now it's stuck on repeat.

f*ck

Edit: Everything is fine now... I just really needed a rant, and now it's all better :)

I am in full on panic mode right now. Years of procrastinating have finally caught up with me and in the worst way.

Fall semester tuition was due tonight before 7:30. I remembered at about 8:10.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Too much? No, that's how I feel right now and I've been walking around for the past hour muttering obscenities to myself. I had months to pay this tuition, opened many reminders in the mail, and left myself several post-its to remind myself. And in the time I wrote all those post-its, I could have just logged online and paid the bill in less than 2 minutes. Instead, I waited, and now it's possibly too late.

I guess I forgot to mention that if tuition isn't paid in full by the deadline, your classes are cancelled. I'm not sure if I'll be able to (before classes start Monday) reschedule my classes. And even if they will allow it, those particular classes are likely to be snatched up when a seat (mine) opens up. I'm supposed to be graduating in December and transfering to a 4-year University in January. I've been excited about this transfer for about 2 years now, and I may have just fucked myself up enough to have to wait till next August.

I'm going to die if I find out tomorrow that I totally screwed myself. I'm panicking, shaking, can hardly type, and definitely can't sleep (yet). I need to find a way to force sleep, because I'm up at 7 again tomorrow...

help wanted

Last summer was the summer I lost 10 pounds. This has been the summer of gaining back those 10 pounds. I'm damned and determined that I've got to turn it around right now. I'm starting to feel depressed because of it, and in turn, I look to comfort food for...well, comfort. I've read every article ever written about staying on track, staying motivated, making it fun and easy... What I could really use now is some words of encouragement. Success stories, words of wisdom, insights, quotes... Anything you guys know that might motivate me and put me back on track would be greatly appreciated by me :-)

Love you guys and thanks in advance! :-)

new job

I started my new job on Monday and I LOVE it! Things are kind of boring and slow for me now while I learn all the policies and procedures. But everyone is sooo nice. Even the customers that come in seem to be very personable and the regulars that are starting to notice me are welcoming me and wishing me luck, too. I don't know if it's the job itself or the fact that I was way overdue for a change in my life, or a combination of both, but I'm in love with my job :-)

All your life, people around you are always telling you, when you learn to love yourself--really love who you are--so will everyone else.

Why do I feel like the exception? I'm very pleased with myself and my life right now. I just landed a great new job; I have a great apartment; I'm finally starting to think of myself as attractive; in October my braces come off (not actual braces- I've had Invisalign since last October) and I will finally have a perfect smile that so many people take for granted and that I've waited my whole life for; I'm funny, thoughtful, loyal, passionate... the only thing I would change about myself at the present time is my weight... or, rather, the way I look. I'm not heavy or "fat" (though I despise that word), but I've got some extra I don't need and that is certainly fixable (I think..)

I'm going on 23 and I'm finally learning how to really LOVE myself and who I've become, and now no one else does. I had more friends and boyfriends when I was 20 pounds heavier, unmotivated, and depressed.

Just like everything else I encounter, this is all ass backward.

dream

It's not often that I remember my dreams, but last night I had one that terrified me to my very soul. It was very, very real, and very very scary. I don't remember how he got in, but I was being attacked by some man in my apartment. I had managed to get to my bedroom and shut the door on him, and by some miracle, I was able to match his strength in being able to hold the door shut while he tried to break through. Several panicked, "HELP ME!"s later, I was able to reach the phone on my bed, and the rest of the dream is what really bothers me. It never occured to me (in the dream) to call 911. The first and only message I sent was to B. I then called my mom so she could hear the screaming and know something was wrong... and then I just sat there and prayed, all while still fighting this guy's strength and determination to get to me behind that door.

Seconds later, I heard a man's voice, but it was a different man. When I opened the door, I saw B standing there. The details escape me now, but somehow he took the man down, and in my eyes, saved my life. My mom arrived seconds later, and I woke up literally feeling like I had escaped death. The vividness of it all is especially disturbing to me, especially since I never, ever, remember dreams that I've had. And how fucked up is it that my first call in my life-threatening situation was to HIM, not 911, and not my mother, or ANY other of my friends that would have been there in a second...

It was him and he saved my life and... DAMMIT. I had just gotten him out of my head and now it's invading my subconscience. DAMMIT.

No matter how silly, lame, or made-up those Facebook quizzes are, they're fun. I particularly enjoyed the response I got from the quiz, "Are you a Rolling Stone or a Beatle"?

"Paul McCartney. You are bubbly, fun, intelligent, and a true kid at heart. Show what you are. A smile."

Yes, I am! Who knew a quiz could know me better than most people that know me?

a certain shade of green

This may sound silly, and perhaps it is only a byproduct of the rut I seem to be stuck in, but lately I've been thinking a lot about my childhood and how much I miss it. I know I'm crazy, because when I actually lived my childhood, it wasn't so great, and looking at the big picture, I know I have it better now. My mom and I didn't have a great relationship, I had very, very few friends, and I depended on everyone for everything (something that is NOT true of me, now...)

But now, as a working adult, full-time student with bills to pay and a mouth to feed (mine), my carefree childhood days seem so distant and forgotton. I think most of us take our childhoods for granted, but I think it is inevitable. How can we know what we're missing until we're old enough to miss it? As kids, we can't wait to grow up, and once we get there, we spend our days reminiscing of our kid years. Of course, adults were always there to tell us "Don't take this time for granted...these are the best years of your life...don't grow up too fast, you've got your whole life to be grown," but we didn't care... We always thought the grown-ups didn't know what the hell they were talking about. Turns out, they did.

As human beings, are we really so dense that we can't appreicate something until we're old enough to realize that it's gone and we're never getting it back?

I don't even think that childhood was the best time of my life. I firmly believe that those years are still ahead of me.

Truer words have never been spoken. The grass is always greener on the other side.

I won't be that girl

I think I lost a best friend today. Yes, my B. Unbeknownst to him, B has managed to break my heart once and bruise it a few more, and all in less than a year's time. I think today was the last time.

The circumstances aren't really important. The lack of sorrow and the lack of an APOLOGY for being a grade A jerk to me two nights ago left me with the realization that this man will never (could never) be able to give me what I want or need. Even something as simple as an apology that I more than deserved.

It's heart-breaking and terrible, but today I had to insist that he will never make me feel this way again. And so, B, I'm letting go of our friendship. If you are man enough to be the one that holds it together, I won't resist. But I'm done doing the holding. It's up to you now.

fanny packs

My 12th grade government teacher once said something that has never left me.

"People wearing fanny packs deserve to have their fannies packed."

This sentiment cracks me up every time it comes to mind, and yet, I'm continually amazed at how many people I still see wearing fanny packs!! Whyyy?

I got hired today!!!

George from Key Bank called this morning to extend the position to me, said he'd call back this afternoon with all the details.

YAAAAY!!

reader beware: this is the blog that doesn't end...

It was so great to be back in Mississippi, seeing friends who reminded me what it's like to have people WANT you around. People who couldn't get enough of me, nor I of them. I was reunited with 3 friends this past weekend who single-handedly (triple-handedly...?) reminded me that I am important.

Things around home haven't been awesome lately. I don't have much reason to complain, so I try not to, but it's hard not to remember how much better last summer was, compared to this year. In the summer of 2008--one of the best, ever--all of my friends were always hanging out together. Whether we were just hanging out at someone's house or out at our favorite bar, we were all pretty much together for most of the summer. I guess that tradition spoiled me, because this year, it couldn't be any more different. With a couple exceptions, it seems that most everyone has gone off and formed all these "side groups" while the big group gets together... almost never. It really seems unfortunate that it has turned out that way; even more so since I don't seem to belong to any of the "side groups" that, put together, used to make up my entire group of friends.

So this trip back home to MS was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. Never before have I needed so much reminding that true friends do exist. This weekend, I found a few of them.

Skye: Skye and I have been friends for--literally--my entire life. Going on 23 years now, she was there with me through my best and worst times growing up, and although we have drifted in and out of each other's lives now and then, we're back together for good. In the last 8 years since I moved here, I've been able to see her semi-regularly, about once a year, sometimes twice. Myspace and FB have given us convenient communication options that fit well into our otherwise busy lives. This weekend, I saw her 3 out of the 3 days I was there, and it was wonderful.

Jonathan: This was the most exciting reminder for me this weekend. Johnny and I were friends in the 8th and 9th grades, but halfway through 9th, I moved here and shortly after that, he moved away, too. Though we weren't the closest of friends when we both moved away, we did a pretty good job of staying in touch. For a couple of years after our moves, I saw him twice, I think. We kept in touch via e-mail, and then later, Myspace. Before this trip, something like 4 or 5 years had passed since I'd even heard from him. I later came to the realization that it had been 6 years since the last time I actually saw him.

I was lucky enough to be able to spend some time with him for 2 of the 3 days I was there and I was more than excited to see him; however, for whatever reason, I found myself really nervous when I was around him, and for the most of the time I spent with him, I was so quiet, shy, and really reserved. I know I'm normally kind of a quiet person anyway, but it was like I had never met him before. I was nervous every time I opened my mouth. He even commented that I seemed like I was upset about something. And I had to agree with him...something was different about the way I acted, and I still can't put my finger on it. All I can guess is that I was so excited to see him after so long, my nerves got the better of me, and it took the entire trip before I recovered. I feel like I squandered the first chance I've had to see him in YEARS. I wish I could see him again, sooner rather than later; I certainly did not make the impression I wanted to.

I must not have made an awful impression, because during one of conversations, I mentioned that I've always wanted to go to Chicago but can never find any friends to go with me. He jumped in about how he wants to go there too, and although the when is uncertain, he sounded excited about saying hopefully we'll be able to go. So yay, for that!

I don't want to be misunderstood-- It was amazing to see him again and I'm still reeling from it; I just can't help feeling like I was a Grade A idiot in front of one of my long-lost best friends and I didn't make the most of what little time we had.

There's one more friend, but seeing as how this is unreasonably long already, I'd better call it a night. If you made it this far, you're a trooper--thanks!

In 22.5 hours I will be on a plane headed for Mississippi where I will (hopefully) find relief from my current life that feels like it's suffocating me every day. Also, I get to reunite with 2 friends I don't get to see nearly often enough. I saw Skye last summer, but Jonathan, I haven't seen in SIX years, I believe. I'm so excited and SO ready to be on that plane!!

raindrops

Personally, I am one for sunshine. But as was proven to me again last night, there is truly no better way to fall asleep than with the window open, listening to the rain pour. Thunder and lightning helps, too. For whatever reason, thunderstorms make me feel calm in the comfort of my own bed.

Welllll, I guess being wrapped up in a man's arms at the same time would be the only thing better. But I take what I can get ;-)

home away from home

Only 6 more days till I'm in Mississippi, enjoying the heat, the time away from home, and most importantly, friends that actually care that I'll be around!

It's more than anything Cleveland's been doing for me lately.

I'll take that wake up call any day

I've spent the last 2 weeks trying to get ahold of someone about the job at Key. After a few unsuccessful attempts, this morning I was (gratefully) awakened by a phone call from George somebody-or-other; he was interested in my app...and the branch manager who was supposed to be the one calling me was apparently confused on how far into the screening process I've already gotten, and he said he would call her right away and give her his personal recommendation to go ahead and set up an interview with me.

YAY!!

Here's hoping

I randomly sent a text to my friend, Becky, today. She's now looking for a place to live since she has recently broken up with her boyfriend with whom she shared an apartment.

I've often thrown around the idea of taking in a roommate, but I never knew anyone who would fit the "role" quite right... But Becky would be a GREAT roommate, and so I offered. I mentioned to her I'm one person, living in a 2 bedroom apartment and I would LOVE for her to come here! She said she would definitely keep it in mind. I think having a roommate would be awesome (I've never had one!), and she's the perfect girl to fill the position.

I know she's got a couple other options, but it would be SO great if she took me up on this. Here's hoping... *fingers crossed*

daddy dearest

Tonight I watched True Life: I'm Looking for My Father and it brought to the forefront what I've been trying so hard to keep in the way back of mind. Let me explain...

Let me put it this way. I'm halfway through my 22nd year--though I certainly don't feel it--and everyone reading this blog knows as much about my father as I do. I know nothing... Don't feel bad for me, though. This has never been a sore subject for me. You know, everytime a "fathers" convo starts up, there's the inevitable question about mine. I hate telling people that I don't know my father, not because it hurts me to share that information, but because I know I'm going to spend the next 5 minutes assuring them that my feelings are in no way hurt and I'm not the slightest bit upset by the topic of conversation. I cannot stress enough that the fact that my father has been absent from my life does not upset me to discuss.

Of course, I'm not saying it's always easy. Up until I was 4, I never gave it much thought. The other kids had daddies and I didn't, and this didn't strike me as wrong. But somewhere around the age of 4, my best friend Skye and I were looking through an old photo album, and in it was a picture of a man I had never seen before. Skye mentioned, hey maybe that's him? Being 4 years old, I had no problem walking right up to my mom and saying "hey Skye and I were wondering if that's my dad..." Now, although my earliest experiences have all but completely faded from my memory, what my mom said next has never left me.

She said, that's none of your business, we don't talk about that.

Doesn't that sound horrible? Yes, it does. But let me say for the record that my mom is incredible and I love her unconditionally; she is not nearly as awful as that statement. But my mom and I have also come a long way in the past 20 years. I think now that she respects me as an adult, that is not something she would dare say to me again.

Which brings me to the present. Ever since that tender age of 4, I have dreamt of the day that I would ask about my father. To my surprise, there has never been a situation in which the topic came up naturally. In high school, I promised myself that I would ask her after graduating. As I noted in my previous post, that was 4 years ago, and here I sit, no wiser than when I was 4.

Though my mom has spent my entire lifetime proving to me that she loves me unconditionally, too, I'm scared shitless of having this conversation with her. I'm afraid she'll be angry, I'm afraid it will hurt her, and I'm terrified that she won't want to tell me the truth. I will have to make sure she knows that the only way she could hurt me is by not telling me the honest-to-God, naked truth. I don't care what the truth is, as long as I get the truth. I have to be prepared for whatever her response will be. Another thing that scares me so: if she would refuse to give me the answers I need, my relationship with her would be forever changed.

After watching True Life tonight, I found myself crying into a pillow as the realization set in that now is the time I have to do what I've spent the last 18 years preparing myself for. I have to ask her. I have to know. No one deserves to know about him more than I do. And for the record, I do not feel the need to meet him, nor do I want to. Save a few exceptions, I think I'm pretty well-adjusted and I've done the best I could at growing up with no male influence. I feel no desire to bring him in now. I just need to KNOW. I need to know his name, what he looks like, why I don't know him, and most importantly, does he know I exist?

My entire life, this has been something that comes and goes as a passing thought. The thought never lingers for long, and quite some time usually passes before I think of it again. But as I get older, I find myself thinking about it more and more often, and as of late, it's come up a lot. It's time. In fact, I'm setting myself a deadline.

Sunday morning... If I can make it till then.

4 years

Today is June 5, 2009. I can't believe I graduate high school 4 years ago, today. I know maybe that sounds like nothing. But when you're young, you never think you'll graduate high school, become a grown up. For some reason, when I woke up this morning, my first though was, I graduated high school 4 years ago. And for some reason, that realization makes me feel old.

to: B, from: M

Dare I say it, I think I'm over B!!! Like, dear God, I'm not sure how that's possible or even when it happened. But this is my theory: a couple weeks ago, I started to worry that in addition to not being with him, I was slowly losing him as a friend, too. That thought alone absolutely terrified me, and I think it was at that time that I was able to take a step back and face facts. And somewhere along the way, I started feeling better.

I think I found some sort of closure last night, when I sent him an IM saying the following:

fetchdixon221 (12:17:59 AM): I just need to tell you this even though it might make you mad, I've got nothing to lose

fetchdixon221 (12:18:08 AM): I miss you
fetchdixon221 (12:19:09 AM): I don't feel like we're the same friends we used to be, and maybe that's just me, I don't know... but just let me assure you that there's nothing I want from you other than to be your friend and only that

fetchdixon221 (12:19:39 AM): we used to be able to talk about everything and it just didn't matter, but not so much anymore and it's just lame

fetchdixon221 (12:20:15 AM): aaand I know you're thinking this is mary just taking everything too seriously again, (ie your away message) but I guess that's just what I do

fetchdixon221 (12:22:37 AM): so hey I'm definitely not making a big deal out of anything, I would just LOVE it if my old friend came back around.

Never in my life have I felt so confident in saying I miss you to someone.. It's normally a very vulnerabe confession. But today, albeit I only saw him at work, the dynamic between us seemed to be right back on track, and I think that's exactly the reassurance I needed in order to just.move.on.

Grass on the other side, here I come!

could this be the new start I've been oh-so craving?

Things have been kind of shitty around here for me lately, but since I'm not in a crappy mood right now, I'll do myself the favor and not bring any of it up until it starts to bother me again.

Instead, let me tell you about the good news!!!

Had a phone interview today for a part-time teller position at Key Bank. Granted that this is the career path I hope to take, this would be an excellent time to get my foot in the door! Interview went well and she is passing my information along to the actual branch manager who should be contacting me soon for a face-to-face interview!

*fingers crosssssed!*

whatever happened to library etiquette?

I think talking on cell phones in the library should be BANISHED!! Texting, fine. Headphones, even, fine. Conversing and giggling with your bff while I'm studying for finals is NOT fine! arrrgghhh.

Whenever I post "away messages" on instant messenger, sometimes they actually give reference to my whereabouts, but more often than not, I insert a random lyric or whatever thought is presently running through my mind. Today, it was this,

Don't ever underestimate your heart-breaking capabilities.

Though this may have been inspired by my B, I didn't mean to necessarily direct it at him. And since him and I have never talked about my feelings since that lonely instance in November, I was a little caught off guard by the away message HE posted.

Yeah, it was a mistake, I do regret it and I don't regret much in my life...but this I do! So please just let it go!

Now I'm not one to assume that things are always about me, but I am fairly certain this is; and if so, he is surely referencing our drunken rendezvous a few months back.

Of course I cannot respond, but if I could, it would go something like this.

B, believe it or not, I don't live with regrets, either. Of course there are the rare few events in our lives that we undoubtedly would take back and do over if we could, but in general, I feel that to regret something is to admit that it was a part of your life that you wasted. And who wants to look back on a wasted life? In any case, you are certainly not one of the things I regret. That night is not something I will look back on with regret and shame, nor do I think it was a mistake. If there is anything about this situation that I regret, it's the thing that was completely out of my control and that is, falling for you in the first place-- only because it never materialized into something and all that came from it was heartbreak on my end. But I don't think it's plausible to think that I could ever regret anything having to do with you. And so I hope I haven't become your life's only regret.

progress is progress

personal trainer update:

previously: 127 lbs ; 34 inches.

today:
127.4 lbs
33 inches

I will attribute the ever so slight gain in lbs to the "muscle" I've been toning. And more importantly, I lost an inch! So it's only an inch. At least I haven't gained one!

update

It's been a terribly busy week-- I didn't mean to go m.i.a.!

As for my car, I finally got into a rental and they began work on my car last Wednesday! But that certainly didn't come without obstacles. Tuesday afternoon, after still not hearing from either the kid who hit me or his insurance, I gave his home phone a ring. His dad generously offered that info at the scene, so I figured, why not? Some lady--whom I'm guessing was his mother--answered the phone. When I told her who I was and that I desperately needed him to talk with the insurance people, she (very rudely) informed me... "He is in school, and he can deal with it when he's not in school." After a few more words were exchanged and I had given her my phone number, SHE HUNG UP ON ME! I couldn't believe it! In that split second, I went from being merely inconvenienced to outright pissed off. I decided then that if, after Wednesday, I hadn't heard from anyone, I was going to take care of it myself and then sue him if I had to. I was getting so tired of him holding my car hostage while he dodged the phone calls from the insurance company.

But first thing Wednesday morning, I got a wake-up call from his insurance informing me that they had spoken with him and would be accepting liability; the repair shop had been sent the assignment to being work, and my rental car was ready to be picked up! An hour later, I was picking up my pretty red Mazda 3 (but they first tried to give me a Focus! haha, I said, no thanks, I'll wait for that Mazda...) and now I'm just waiting to hear that my car is ready. They said last week that it would be about 2 weeks to fix it.

Other than that, these next two weeks are finals weeks, and I'm frantically trying to get everything finished so that I can enjoy my two free weeks before summer classes start!

P.S. Chele- Thanks for your advice!! It definitely came in handy, but fortunately I didn't have to use it. Much appreciated ;-)

there's a first time for everything

So, my accident was Thursday night... I'm feeling better about it but I've found I'm now absolutely paranoid when I drive, and I'm downright terrified at intersections. I never before realized how inconsiderate some drivers can be... I wish I had a sign on my car that read: I'm driving like a grandma because I was just in an accident that terrified me to my very soul- please respect that when you share the road with me, and stop turning in front of me when there is not sufficient time to do so safely. I know there is no way for them to know, but I wish I could tell everyone that every time they speed up for that yellow light or cut a quick turn in front of me, it's all I can do not to panic.

I wish I was exaggerating, because my accident wasn't major. A busted headlight (though his car was worse), some fluid leakage, and best of all, no one was hurt. Though I don't yet know the full extent of the damage, I know it was certainly not as bad as it could have been. I can only imagine if it had been any worse, I might be seriously traumatized. Things always affect me more than they should and this is no exception.

It's no surprise that dealing with the insurance companies is a nightmare. I filed a claim with my company that night; as of 4:00 this afternoon, he still had not spoken with his. I know this because...(how do I make this sound simple?)...I declined to go through my own insurance in hopes of avoiding the automatic $500 deductible and also, I just want him and his insurance to feel a little of what I'm feeling. This afternoon, I tracked down his insurance adjuster (who said she'd been trying to reach me all morning and as it turns out, she had my phone number wrong) who still had not been able to get in touch with him. She also informed me that he does not have collision coverage for himself which is sure to be the reason he has not yet reported it. She assured me that he was instructed to contact her before 8 A.M. tomorrow so that we can get on with the whole thing. I just know the luck I usually have and I'm afraid he may be difficult to pin down. Meanwhile, no one can give me a rental until we've heard from him and his insurance accepts the blame, and my car is sitting in some shop, also waiting on his insurance to come through.

It's all so maddening, and I'm hoping with all I've got that I hear from them first thing tomorrow morning.

But like I said earlier... I need to count my blessings that him and I are both okay and even the cars are not likely to sustain permanent injuries.

first one ever

I had my very first car accident today. Not my fault. I still get anxious thinking about it, so I'll blog about it when the thought of it stops giving me a stroke.

P.S. I was, very fortunately, not physically hurt. "Lady" is a little sick, though :-(

cure for the common woes

I found (or re-discovered) another cure for the blues.

Treadmill!

When you're feeling especially mope-y about whatever (boys, friends, work...), hop on that treadmill and just let it all out. Let that machine be your punching bag, so to speak, and before you know it, you're a mile and 100 calories down, and you just feel better.

Try it!

the grass is green again

Damn. Today I just feel... good. I can't really explain the feeling. I'm just in this general good mood, like maybe things aren't really so hopeless. Today was a very "can do" day. If I can keep this up, I'll be golden.

Today, I even thought, this is his loss.

Jordan

I've always known that snooping is bad. It's morally wrong and it's a terrible invasion of privacy. And to boot, snooping has never made anyone feel better. We're only looking to find something that we don't really want to find at all. Then, when/if we do find it, there's no talking to anyone about it because then we have to admit that we snooped. There is no "up" side to this scenario. If it so happens that you don't find the disappointment you initially set out to find, you simply feel as though it's still out there; you were just unsuccessful in locating it.

I snooped today. I know it's horrible and I'm completely ashamed. My blog is the only medium I have to confess this where I'm hoping my readers won't judge me too harshly. I feel bad about it, but not as bad as I feel about what I found.

B got a new phone, a BlackBerry. He was showing it off today at work, and I asked to play around with it. While scrolling through the features, I happened upon the Messages section. I was only there for a second, and as I was backing out of it, I saw a message to/from this girl that I've met once or twice--a girl he works with at his other job. This is the part where I should have known better; the part where I should have known that what laid beyond the click of the button I was about to press could not possibly be anything that would make me feel better...about anything. It might not be anything to make me feel bad, but there was no reason to believe it would be anything to make me feel good.

The text consisted of a conversation in which he expressed his disappointment in that she would not be able to attend an event on Saturday. To this he responded, since she could not make it, he'd like to take her out to dinner sometime instead. She said "sure" and he told her to name the place and it was done.

I've spent the last several months an emotional wreck over this guy, and yet it never occured to me that at some point, there would be a girl. And that if I really wanted to remain his close friend, I'd have to face that reality. But today I got that reality handed to me unintentionally, and I guess all I can say is, that's what I get for snooping.

That was all I needed. I handed him back his phone and walked away. I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to distract myself with work and all the while trying to convince myself that maybe that piece of information (whether I'm supposed to know about it or not) was all I needed to force myself to move on.

The jury's still out.

insights

Sometimes we need a little reminding.

*during your daily encounters with others, remember that you never know what issues they might be dealing with behind closed doors. most days, we are able to leave our problems at the door when we arrive, but some days we aren't that strong. next time someone is a little less than pleasant with you, be a little extra kind...you just might make their day.

*be patient. we all have our struggles and we all have our fortes. the only stupid questions are the ones that don't get asked. so next time someone asks you one, take it as a compliment--they obviously think you are smart enough to ask you in the first place--and help in whatever way you can.

*working in the service industry for the last 6 years of my life has taught me nothing if not this: the system is not perfect, and as soon as you accept that, life will suddenly become a lot less stressful. no one ever died because they had to wait in line or their food took 15 minutes to be made instead of 10...

*when we live with regrets, we admit that that period of time was a waste. instead, fix whatever went awry and take it as a learning experience. as long as it doesn't kill you, you'll come out stronger in the end.

*and finally. (And I know how cliche it is...) life only comes around once and it really is as short as they say. when an opportunity presents itself, think very carefully before turning it down--you may never get that chance again. a little life economics for you: if your benefits ultimately outweigh your costs, life is certain to be a lot more fulfilling.


Just a little mid-afternoon insight for your viewing pleasure. Although I wrote these as little personal reminders, I hope anyone who might read this can benefit, as well.

Thank You, Miss Carrie

After watching Sex and the City, tonight, I feel like I can relate to Carrie... her "Big" is my "B". This isn't a comforting comparison. In the end, she ended up with hers, but it took 10 years and many, many, many heartbreaks. If that's what's in store for me for the rest of my 20s and into my 30s, no thank you. In any case, the episode's closing line was brilliant.

"What ultimately defines a relationship is another relationship." -Carrie Bradshaw

brought to you by teenage angst

I was doing some digging tonight, and I came across some old writings I did when I was about 16. They have a slightly immature nature about them, but all the same, I think the messages they convey still speak to me the same way they did 6 years ago.

My 16th year was a very difficult one...this may very well be reflected in these passages.

I am going to share them here, unedited and uncut, and this is a lot for me; I'm pretty sure I never showed anyone the things that I wrote back then...

Almost exactly 6 years ago

4/18/03
Untitled #1

Mind fierce with anticipation
Heart racing with anxiety
Wondering what will come of
A moment worthy only of perfection

Thunder disrupts a once calm sky
Flashes of lightning pierce the velvet blue heavens
Diamond sparkles in between
As I gaze into a curious wonderment
Dreaming of a perfect reunion with a more perfect someone

Untitled #2

True love, once expressed, will never fade
Though probably shown in less than perfect terms
It can always be found hidden deep within

Long after the moment is ideal
Love is many times expressed through hate
Disguised and manipulated
It cannot be destroyed
Moments of passion, fits of love
Always remain love
Hate is triggered by a love gone wrong
Or by a raging, incurable jealousy
Or by a lethal combination of the two

4/19/03
Untitled #3

Awaiting your arrival
This moment put off for too long already
(heart beating faster, can't focus)
I shake with worry
(because you're late)
And I become frantic
(because this day can't fail)

You appear
And slowly your embrace finds mine
Tears frozen in my chest
(because this moment can't be real)
I surpress them inside
(because this is in fact real)

Throw me around you
(you bend down so I can reach)
This moment, dreamt of so long
Ending in an instant
Lasting forever in my mind

My soul aches for your last embrace
Heart hurts when you leave

Say goodbye for now
But this isn't the end



This last one really gets to me, because although it was written at a different period of my life, I feel as though it could have been written yesterday. This particular piece was about no one in particular, though it could easily apply (today) to a very certain someone.

I don't want to be done, but I think I have to be.

When this struggle gets too difficult, I need to remember what happened, for the second time, Saturday night. I may never be anything more than a fling to you, and I need to use that as my motivation to get over you.

And if that doesn't work, I'll bring back the memory I should probably forget; the one where you mentioned Katie's name not five minutes after the fact. Talk about bad timing.

Use Somebody

If you have not yet listened to "Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon, I highly suggest it. My newest addiction.

I've been roaming around
Always looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you
And all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up, I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me
Someone like me
Someone like me
(Go and let it out)

Julie

It's so good to have a friend you can just talk to, and tonight that was Julie. We've been friends for a little over a year and we've talked before, but tonight was a bonding moment; I shared with her my deepest secrets and we found a new level. I'm so glad to have her.

It didn't help, though, that B was always in my line of sight, and it's hard to think about much else when he's visible. I'm doing better with that, though. I want him to just break down and admit he loves me, but I guess if I can't have that, I'll just settle for a temporary distraction. Ya know... till he's ready ;-)

Tonight was fabulous.

we are the land of gluttony, after all

Probably one of the saddest sights I've ever seen was the one I saw tonight as I was leaving work.

I work at a restaurant and table of grossly overweight children caught my eye. I don't mean that these kids were slightly heavier-set than others in their age range. I mean to say that their faces were so pudgy that their eyes almost completely hid behind their cheeks; their arms didn't necessarily fall down to their sides like they normally should; and every single child (maybe 6 of them?) was wearing sweatpants-- I'm guessing because clothes aren't usually made that big to accomodate children that small.

I don't want to be misunderstood, here. To me, this is not a weight issue. This is an issue of neglectful parenting and borderline child abuse. For such small children, they may have weighed more than I do, and they weren't a day above 7 or 8. The parents, too, were large but again, this is not my issue. I just don't understand HOW or WHY a parent could let their child get to that point. Obesity before age 10. Really??

a letter of sorts

Dear Rachel,

I've lost a few friends along the way, but for some reason that I just can't figure out, this one has hurt me the most. We met when we were 16 at the restaurant where we both still work. We were young and life was still fairly carefree. We spent the following summer going to lots of concerts together--something that has turned out to be one of my favorite memories. Even to this day, you're the only girl I know who can enjoy a rock show as much as I do. I'll always remember the time I locked my keys in my car in downtown Cleveland and we waited in that scary BW3; and the time you picked that kid up by his collar because he thought it would be cute to knock your hat off your head. So many great bands we saw that year...

I guess it all started to disintegrate that summer we found boyfriends. Alan was not your first, but Bryan was mine. You and I still found time for each other, but as time made our relationships stronger, we drifted. I'm still kicking myself for all those times you and Alan wanted us all to get ice cream together and I let Bryan talk me out of it. Though your relationship stayed strong, mine ended and in came the next guy. Although I now regret that year of my life that I spent with him, you were still there.

When that relationship of mine ended, that's pretty much the last I remember of my friendship with you, too. You and your boy decided to befriend my ex and that's when you and I really drifted. You also befriended my greatest enemy. I guess it all really fell apart when, despite all my begging, you refused to come to my 21st birthday party because you "didn't feel like it." I never forgot that and I'm still not over it.

Almost exactly a year ago (Apr 2008), we gave it one more go. You invited me to see MSI in concert with you, and I was ecstatic that after 4 years, we were going to another show together. The concert was fun and we laughed the whole way home as we got lost on the streets of downtown Cleveland, a place with which we were all too familiar.

That was the last time we did anything together, and the drift between us has only gotten wider. I almost can't stand to work with you anymore, and I today I think I actually used the word bitch to describe you. I hate that what was once my best friendship has totally fallen apart. And more than that, I hate that you don't seem to care.

I miss you.

Love,
M

I keep thinking maybe it's too late

Someone inadvertently reminded me today that I am no one's best friend, which reminded me that I am also no one's girlfriend, and now I'm sulking.

A lot of self-reflectiong lately has led me to the conclusion that there must be something fundamentally undateable about me. It's been two years that I've been single, and I've struck out big time with the last three guys that caught my attention. And I keep reminding myself, I'm only 22, my time is coming, the guy must be right around the corner... and then I think, what if I'm writing this same entry next year? and 5 years after that? I don't think I can face the world alone for the rest of my life. I'm just not cut out for it.

Slide

Put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Do you wanna get married...
Or run away?

And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete
Little pieces
of the nothing
that fall...

a new day

Had my first of 12 personal training sessions today.

127 lbs
34 inches

Update in 6 weeks!

the saga continues

Every day, I look to find something about you that I don't like. You're waaaay too lax, almost nothing bothers you, you're usually late... sometimes I think you don't even respect me. And for the life of me, I can't remember what happened to the You that was always excited to see me. That was my very favorite part of You, and I'm certain that I what I said scared it away.

All the things I love about you are all the things I can't stand about you.

I have never, ever felt like this before. And that's what makes me pretty sure that I love you.

The worst part is, I don't know if I will ever get past this.

:-)

The best days are the ones that are great for no reason at all. Except for the fact that you're surrounded by your very favorite people.

Why can't every day be a natural high like today?

no matter how small

Never underestimate how far a compliment can go.

another day, another crush

My latest piece of eye candy at work has suddenly and under unfortunate circumstances had to move back to his hometown, due to a death in the family. Though I did not get to know him as well as I would have liked, I will miss him all the same. Hopefully I'll get to see you again, someday...

For crying out loud, you were able to take my mind off of B-- a task unaccomplished by anyone else, so far...

On this note. Where do I stand on my beloved B? I'm more confused now than ever. It goes like this:

Either, this infatuation with B is merely a crush and nothing more, due to the fact that the very next time a cute boy paid me any attention, I was able to (momentarily?) forget about him.

OR... it isn't just a crush and maybe I do love him as much as I sometimes speculate. In this case, the fact that I was so easily distracted by a new boy is nothing more than my attempt to forget about you and move on by whatever means necessary.

In other words. I'm either too eager to fall for you, or I'm too eager to fall for someone (anyone) else to avoid falling for you.

I guess only time will tell for sure.

((Don't I sound more 15 than I do 22??))

a lesson well learned

This week, I learned a lesson that will be forever valuable to me. Things are not always as they seem and it is not at all worthwhile to jump to conclusions until all the facts have been laid out in front of you. I secretly cursed (in my head) a boy on whom I was crushing and turned my back on one of my best friends all because (as my friend, Julie, so nicely put it) a gossipping little troll decided to run his mouth and tell a bunch of lies to start a war. By reacting so quickly, I let him win.

But no more. You just have to remember that your friends won't suddenly turn their backs on you, and your gut is usually right.

Thanks, Kory, for that unintended life lesson.

lazy bones

I woke up at 12:45 today... I have never done that... what the hell??

I know there's really no such thing as "catching up" on sleep, but I like to think that's what I accomplished by sleeping well into the afternoon.

BUT, I did make it to the gym-- something I've been slacking on the last couple of months. I woke feeling motivated to do something productive to counter-act my 12-hour slumber. And I feel good. It is my goal to hit the gym every day this week. It's all about baby steps.

something new

Friday night I had the pleasure of hanging out with a boy from work that I'm quite keen on. No, this isn't "B" (yay!!). His name does start with a B though. Hmm...how will I differentiate?

I digress... Luckily, I have really good friends, and one of them told this guy that I've got it for him. We never talked about it specifically, but he did spend the rest of the night talking to me :-)

Super nice, hard-working, and soo adorable... I've got my fingers crossed...

Friday night, I actually thought to myself, "B, who?"

stuck on you

my heart aches. literally aches for you. days like today, I realize it may be for the best if you remain my best friend and only that. but the things that make you my best friend are the same things that make you the object of my affection.

and oh god, if you get that job an hour away, I think I might die.

For no good reason...

Today I remembered what it's like to wake up on the right side of the bed. Why can't every day be this great? Best part is, there's no real reason for this unexpected natural high.

Woke up early to do laundry and run the dishwasher. Went to work (where I was expecting to see B, but didn't...), and will soon be returning to work for another 6+ hour shift. It's also raining out. And despite it all, I'm feelin' pretty fine :-)

Oh please, let this last just a little while longer.

22

Am I too young to worry that I'm always going to be alone? Sometimes I feel that way...

"B"

I was so eager to start this blog. Wrote two entries, abandoned it for a month. Problem is, I so badly want to write but usually feel as though I have nothing to say.

No, not nothing. I just don't always know how to convey the chaotic thoughts I possess. So here goes nothing.

I'm so busy. I work and I go to school. Both full-time. I'm usually tired. I lack motivation to do a lot of the things I want to do. I'm lonely, too. It's been about a year and a half since I had a "relationship"... Even longer since I was in one I gave a shit about. Maybe that isn't such a long time, but now that I'm really ready to be with somebody (I mean, really be with someone), there's no one around. There's no one here who wants to be with me, too.

On that note. Three months ago (though I could swear it was longer) I confessed to my best friend my feelings for him. I told a guy, who has been an incredible friend to me for five years and counting, that the feelings I once tried to ignore were in fact very real, very sincere feelings. I risked losing one of the best friends I have ever had the privilege of knowing by telling him (I'll call him, "B") that I was willing and ready to put our friendship to the ultimate test. I wanted to be his and I wanted him to be mine.

This tale ends as do almost all others like it...

"Our friendship is too great; I couldn't risk losing you as a friend... We're better this way."

Worst part was, I felt almost 100-percent confident going in that B felt the same way I did and would return my proclamation with one of his own. I ignored the tiny percent of a chance that maybe we didn't want the same thing. And that tiny percent is what destroyed me.

It's been three long months and I feel the progress I've made is minimal. Every day, I struggle to find a balance. A way to love him (in the way that I always have and will) without falling for him, too. I've found that I do best when I don't see him for a brief period of time (out of sight, out of mind). My heart stops aching and I actually can look at other guys and imagine them as prospects. I start to feel as though there is love after B. This "hiatus" never lasts long, as we work together, have the same very close circle of friends, and constantly run into each other in cyberspace. And that very next time I have to see him again...I'm right back to square one.

Case in point: Two weeks ago, we slept together. Valentine's Day, no less.

mini bio

Me in a nutshell? Quite the impossible task, but here goes my best attempt.

I am what I am:

• independent
• hard-working and committed
• selfless and indulgent at the same time
• passionate (maybe a bit OCD?)
• persistant
• a little shy
• potty-mouthed (only when appropriate)
• confident
• sensitive
• quirky
• appreciative
• a great speller
• loyal to a fault
• accepting
• opinionated

But I'm not...

• prejudist/racist/sexist
• a pushover
• insecure
• lazy
• mellow
• a smoker
• an early bird
• hard to please :-)

Just a few of the things I love <3

• my mother
• my BEST FRIENDS
• Blistex
• Kathy Van Zeeland
• music of any kind
• Target
• my Jeep
• surprises
• parties
• margaritas
• Cosmo
• snow days
• FRIENDS, Lost, Gilmore girls
• and did I mention my friends?

This Is Me

As I prefer to remain anonymous, for all intents and purposes, I'd like to go by the alias "Agent M." (I've never had an alias before and I'm quite thrilled with the idea.)

I've decided to start this blog as a way to vent my day-to-day frustrations and joys without incessantly bothering those closest to me. I also hope that through some of my ramblings, I will reach out to someone who possibly feels the way I do. Perhaps those of you out there reading my nonsensical noise will be able to offer to me a new point of view. Truthfully, I spend most of my days searching for new perspective...

Being that I have not had the opportunity to flex my writing muscles in quite some time, it may take a little time before anything I say starts making sense. And hey, maybe it never will...

I was planning on including an abbreviated biography tonight, but as I've let the time get away from me, I must delay this till tomorrow.

Until then...